exlibrislarsen

It’s cold today in Chicagoland (and the eastern two thirds of the country), with worse cold front moving in tonight, bringing wind chills down to 40 or 50 below zero.

It’s going to be so bad, schools are already closed in some places, and area businesses are canceling deliveries due to extreme cold.

Now’s your chance to find a weather appropriate horror movie you want to watch while old man winter does his thing, and these are movies that I thoroughly enjoyed, but remember–different strokes for different folks:

THE SHINING (1980)

A writer takes job as a winter caretaker at a hotel in the mountains. His psychic son just wants to ride his Big Wheel. When the family is trapped inside by a snowstorm, the writer starts to fall under the sway of the ghosts that haunt the hotel.

You just saw the trailer. After seeing the whole movie, what did the following Amazon reviewer think?

I’ll give you points if you criticize the movie for not following the original novel by Stephen King (which, you’ll note, isn’t even one of his/her criticisms).

But if you use “very” as an adjective in your review (twice in succession, and without a comma) and complain that THE SHINING isn’t a movie for kids, wellsir, you’re just kind of an idiot. I’ll go with Kubrick on this one.

THE THING (1982)

Please, please, puh-leese, don’t call this the remake of THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD starring James Arness. Because it’s not. They’re both adaptations of John W. Campbell’s landmark novella, WHO GOES THERE?, and John Carpenter’s THE THING is way, waaaay closer to the source material.

If that looked like the 2011 movie entitled, THE THING, it’s because the 2011 movie is a prequel to the 1982 movie, and it pretty much follows the exact same plot, making it a prequel and a remake. Weird.

I get the sneaking suspicion that this guy just doesn’t like movies. Because … sigh.

MISERY (1990)

The second of two Stephen King film adaptations on the list, and hey, bonus points for me because this one is also about a writer! He’s taken hostage by a crackpot fan after a winter car accident nearly does him in, and his fan uses his weakened condition to make him write the sequel of her dreams … or else!

So there’s Kathy Bates scaring the crap out of us with that sweet as pie demeanor who reminds me of … I can’t say, lest I wind up with both legs broken and a typewriter in my lap that’s missing the ‘e’.

The Liberian Mark Twain liked TITANIC so much, he uses it as a benchmark against which he judges MISERY?

RAVENOUS (1999)

Wendigo cannibalism in 1840s California? Throw in Guy Pearce, Robert Carlyle, and Jeffery Jones, and you’ve got yourself a movie. David Arquette’s okay, too.

If you haven’t seen RAVENOUS, you can see you’re in for a quirky, bloody, disturbing movie. Not your standard horror fare, but some people still expect a slasher film if it’s labeled “horror”.

You know what sucked? That review.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT (2007)

For the record, this movie about vampires besieging an Alaskan town in the midst of a monthlong night is directed by David Slade. S-L-A-D-E.

Yes, yes, yes … I know that Barrow doesn’t have a 30 days of uninterrupted night, followed by a run-of-the-mill dawn, but it’s still a cool concept, and a pretty well done movie. Unless you’re this guy:

This just in … 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, a vampire movie, is both “fake” and “bloody”. Just in case you thought it was a documentary about vampires who sipped their blood from the good bone china.

DEAD SNOW (2009)

Tommy Wirkola gives us cursed Nazi gold, zombies, and a ski cabin full of nubile Norwegians in this tour-de-force farce of a horror movie, the likes of which I haven’t seen since RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD.

As you can tell, DEAD SNOW has it all. But you kind of have to manage your expectations. If you’re expecting something else.

Damn you, Tommy Wirkola, for making a movie in your native Norwegian. Time to speak ‘Merican!

FROZEN (2010)

This isn’t the 2013 Disney movie. Two buddies and one of their girlfriends are stranded on a ski-lift, 50 feet in the air, with a wind chill below zero.

I can’t decide if I’m more freaked out by the cold or by the heights. That’s a lie. It’s the heights.

It’s hard to contest such a well-articulated position. Well done, Bigjay. Well done, indeed.

LET ME IN (2010)

I’m probably going to sound like a homer by saying I thought LET ME IN was better than the Swedish original, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, but I likes what I likes.

To be clear, LET ME IN was never trying to fool people into thinking that it was an original story, or that the book and Swedish movie never existed, but some people will insist on believing that, anyway.

First off, fail for use of the R-word. Plus, if you’ve seen both versions, you might agree that there is some character development in the American version that wasn’t there in the Swedish version. Or you might not. I dunno.

TROLLHUNTER (2010)

A mockumentary from André Øvredal about a group of student filmmakers who think they’re doing a piece on a bear poacher. What they find is, well, in the title.

Norwegian filmmaker. Original title is TROLLJEGEREN. What language do you think it’s in?

Also? Those Norwegian accents were fake as hell.

THE GREY (2011)

Okay, so THE GREY is more of a thriller than a horror film, but I think if you find yourself surviving a plane crash in an arctic wilderness chased by a pack of wolves, you’d think it was pretty horrible.

A stirring story with genuine characterization … wait, let me check with my kids to see what they think…

Too much cursing? If you thought so, then please don’t see THE WOLF OF WALL STREET, m’kay?

So pick a flick, build a fire, and climb under a big, chunky blanket while this howler blows over. And if you want to leave a review, then, by all means! And if you can’t get enough of bad reviews of quality works, click here.

Christian A. Larsen is the author of LOSING TOUCH, featuring a foreword by New York Times bestselling author Piers Anthony, now available in paperback and ebook formats from Post Mortem Press.